Top Ten Things To Never Say To A New Mother

I've discovered that some people out there lack the ability to know when to shut the hell up...especially around new mothers.  They feel they need to know every detail of breastfeeding, diaper changes, postpartum healing and, of course, postpartum sex.  I hate to have to be the one to break it down for them, but it needs to be done.

I'll do this as gently as possible.

STOP ASKING STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS.  It's none of your business and I have no urge to talk to you about my hemmroids or when the stitches in my fucking crotch dissolved.  You don't need to know the state of my breasts or what they're being used for and there's no need for us to discuss if I have 'done it' again yet.

Alright.  Now that that has been taken care of, there is also a long list of things you should just never say to a new mother.  Most of these things are pretty obvious, but, since common sense is suddenly a very rare disease, they need to be wrote out for some people.  Once again, I'll be gentle...


10., 9., 8., Oh you only have one; he/she is still young; oh just wait... These comments are not acceptable.

Under any circumstances.

EVER.

That is all.


7. Well he/she should be sleeping through the night here soon! Do not get a new mother's hope up. Babies wake up at night. Its going to happen. Hell, a lot of adults wake up at night. Its cruel to give her the idea that her baby will start sleeping longer stretches and that she'll be able to sleep as long as her heart desires while her baby is still an infant. Not all babies will sleep through the night early on. Some children don't sleep through the night until they're a couple years old. All you are going to do by telling her this is get her hopes up and then make her feel like she's doing something wrong if her child doesn't sleep for 8 hours at a time at a young age. 

Just shut up.

If you're that concerned about the baby sleeping for longer stretches so the mother can get rest, why not offering to take the night shift for a few nights so she can get a few decent nights' sleep?

Yeah, that's what I thought.  Asshat.


6. You should get out of the house.  Yeah...because that's always so easy with a newborn.  I used to be able to get ready to go out (showered, dressed, hair, makeup, etc) in a total of about 15 minutes.  It now takes me hours...and that's just getting decent enough to be seen in public.  I have to get my daughter settled enough so I can shower, get dressed, make my hair less disasterous, and look awake.  Then I have to feed, diaper, and change her.  Then there's the struggle with getting her into the carseat without a huge hissyfit.  It also includes getting the diaper bag ready, making sure I have enough supplies ready for her in case I'm gone longer than I expect, and trying to make sure I'm not leaving the house without something important (like shoes, purse, cellphone, keys, etc).

Before I can even think of all that business I have to take into consideration the weather, where I'm going, how long I'll be gone, who I'll be around, etc etc etc.

Sometimes its less stressful to stay home and be stir crazy than fight with everything to get out of the house for a short period of time and risk something fucked up happening (i.e. my child having several explosive diapers in a row and not having enough clothes/diapers in the diaper bag).  So no, its not always possible to 'just get out of the house'.


5.  Well I wore my normal jeans home from the hospital.  You know what?  Go to hell.  I'm sick of people making new mothers feel like they are supposed to look like fucking supermodels.  I gained 55 pounds during my pregnancy.  I was a size 3 before I got pregnant and within the first two months I had bloated up so much I was squeezing my ass into size 9's.

And I'm okay with that.

Yes, I would love to be able to get right back into my size 3 jeans and pretend that my body is back to normal, but its not.  I just had a fucking baby.  Yes, I was supposed to gain weight while pregnant and if I had lost all 55lbs during labor I would've been seriously sick.  My body went through some serious changes and I got my beautiful baby girl out of the whole ordeal and she is happy and healthy, so I am perfectly fine with the possibility of having some dieting or exercising to do in the future.  I'll manage.   Just because you body image sucks doesn't mean I have to feel bad about not looking like a goddamn Playboy bunny immediately after delivery.

Also, I'm well aware that I may never be back to my normal size.  Some women don't get their old bodies back.   With how much my hips spread while I was pregnant, I'm not sure if I will lose enough weight to get back down to a size 3.  Oh well.   Hell yeah I'd love to be able to go back to wearing all my cute clothes and not have to worry about a new wardrobe, but I'm not going to starve myself just to get back into my old jeans.

It's not like I need to dress up all sexy and go to a club or some shit.  I've got a kid.  Who the fuck else am I trying to impress?


4. Sleep when the baby sleeps.  Great theory but unless you are going to come over and clean the house, cook, do laundry, take care of the pets (and/or other kids), go grocery shopping, etc then this isn't exactly possible.  Life doesn't have a pause button (wouldn't that be nice!) so we can just lay down with a baby and take a nap.  Most mothers would LOVE to be able to just curl up with their newborn and not have to worry about anything else. 

Of course there's always this little problem called reality that bites you in the ass when you realize "oh shit, I haven't showered in two days and I smell worse than the burp rag".  Yep.  Hygeine.  We have to shower sometime.


3. You're going to spoil that baby if you hold him/her too much.  You know what?  Fuck you. 

No, seriously.  Fuck you. 

Just because no one held you when you were a baby doesn't mean I'm going to stop cuddling with my baby.  I'm sick of people getting all worked up about wanting to hold a new baby but then trying to tell the mother that they shouldn't hold the baby as much as they do because it'll spoil the child.  That baby just came out of the womb, where it was being held 24/7 for 9 months straight.   Can someone please explain to me how you can spoil a baby by weaning them off of being held that much?  Because that's what you're doing unless you seriously hold your child every second of the day. 

And don't get me started on the part where you want to hold my baby but try to tell me not to.  What kind of shit is that?  It's MY baby, asshole.  Go make your own.


2. You've got to learn to just let that baby cry so he/she will learn they won't always get what they want.  Alright, so I know this is a touchy subject with some moms but I'm past caring at this point.  I'm going to say this very plainly so it doesn't confuse anyone. 

Letting your baby cry and not trying to figure out why he/she is crying and tend to those needs is NEGLECT.  

Oh yeah, I went there.

Babies cry because they need something.  It might be that they're hungry or need a clean diaper or it might be that they're scared or loney and need to be held.  Yes, babies sometimes NEED to be held.  They are brand new to this world and are scared.  How about I drop you on some random planet, where no one understands what you want or need, surrounded by people you have to rely on to meet your every need and see how easily you adjust!  Oh, and you have to adjust and get used to everything (including hunger because no one will know that you're hungry) without crying.

Don't tell me to let my baby cry.  Jackass.


1. Do not EVER tell a new mother how tired YOU are.  I'm going to repeat this because some people are going to need it repeated.  Do. Not. EVER. Tell. A. New. Mother. How. Tired. You. Are.

What you consider 'tired' is completely irrelevant.  Until you have been at the end of your rope, literally pulling hair out of your head, trying to take care of a screaming infant 24 hours a day while still recovering from a major bodily trama, you have no idea how tired a new mother is.

To be honest, even if you told me you had been awake for a month straight, I wouldn't care.  The difference is that you most likely had the option to go to sleep but didn't.  New mothers do not have the luxury of saying 'okay, I'm tired, I should really go lay down'.  Nope.

It's a whole different kind of tired when you start talking about not being able to sleep because you HAVE to be awake because you're trying to keep a child alive.  Other responsibilities can get put on the back burner.  It doesn't quite work that way with a baby.  You can't tell yourself  "eh, I'll feed him/her later".  If they need something, they need it NOW...even if that means that your head just hit the pillow and you thought you were going to get some sleep for the first time in a week.  Oh no.  Being tired with a baby is a whole new level of tired that your sorry ass can't even imagine.

So, unless you like the idea of waking up with a dirty diaper shoved down your throat, after getting knocked the fuck out by flying carseat, do not ever tell a new mother that YOU are tired.