How To Have a Perfect Baby

I had a vision while in the shower (because I definitely wasn't going to look down)...I have figured out how to have a perfect baby. (Some of these things may contradict each other, but you have to find a way to make these work or you and your child will forever suck at life.)

-You must not have any kind of medical condition or have ever been sick in your life. This includes any kind of cold/flu/etc since you were born. You also must not have any kind of family history of any illness.

- You must have a perfect diet. You must not have ever ate anything processed, packages, or manufactured. Your entire diet has to be completely home grown (in your own home, you can't trust other people to grow your food) without any fertilizers or additives. With this perfect diet you should obviously be the perfect weight, also. (As with the above, this must be true throughout your entire life, or you're going to f'ck up your kid.) Also, you cannot gain any more than 10 pounds while pregnant.

- You cannot have ever drank anything other than water, smoked (or been near anyone that has ever smoked in your life), used a public toilet, worn clothing made of any man-made materials, or lived in an industrial area.

- You cannot have ever watched TV, played video games, or used a computer. These rot your brain and will therefor ruin your LO.

- You must have a perfect relationship (which means no fights...ever). You must also have a perfect family, with all of your relatives living to be 100 years old or older. Everyone must get along and must also follow the same lifestyle as listed here. One failure, even in your extended family, will ensure your child is screwed up for life.

- You cannot have pets or know anyone that has pets. They are dirty, filthy beings and carry nothing but dirt and disease and will definitely cause health problems.

- You must not have any stress in your life. No exceptions.

- You must never have done anything 'naughty' in your life. This includes showing any skin (to anyone, you must shower in your clothes and only change in pitch dark), dating, dancing provacatively, or having sex.

- You must have your baby ON your due date (not a day before or after), they must be the perfect weight, have perfect APGAR scores, eat only the exact amount reccomended (breastmilk only, obviously), and you must have had a completely natural childbirth. (And by completely natural I mean in a cave, without doctors, with only leaves to clean/wrap your child in. These leaves must have been washed in a fresh spring with completely pristine water. Also, you cannot have used any kind of pain remedy, including biting one of the sticks that you're laying on to give birth...because that would be a crutch and your child would never know how to take care of themselves and would become a junky.)

- You cannot give your baby a pacifier or it will use one for the rest of his/her life and will grow up to be a total loser.

- Also, and this is one of the most important points, your child must sleep through the night, even in utero. If your child does not sleep through the night throughout your pregnancy and every day thereafter, it is broken and you will forever be miserable with your horrible baby.

::sigh:: okay, I'm fairly sure I covered almost everything. Remember these all must be followed to a T or you fail as a parent.